Son’s Retrospective

Honor thy family, do not bring shame or embarrassment to the house.
Work hard, never complain, always be prompt, faced with a problem, teach yourself a way out and stay guarded and out of trouble. Find balance in difficulty, think before acting, do not waste energy crying, affection is weakness and keep emotions contrite.

Are any of these things relatable?
If so, you probably have an Asian Dad. There is a reason there are “Memes About Asian Dads”. You often find yourself lost, feeling inadequate and aimlessly looking for answers. These are old mantras of generations past.
I realize this many years ago with my father. How do you get him to change? How do you get him to see these added stresses are useless burdens too hard to carry?

Did it bother me when I was younger? Yes, unspoken guidance is deftly ineffective, yet these were the tools he had. I am lucky to have amazing sisters who never let me fail.
Are you able to talk to your parents about these things?
He survived a lifetime never meeting his own expectations. These things were never discussed.
I do feel lucky that I was able to break down the most important wall to me, his wall of never showing affection.

As a teen and younger man, I was okay because it was still too socially awkward.
Now, as an older man, I am able to process my emotions more stably.
I wanted to show him I loved him, before it was too late. I wanted to show him I’m his twin without the criticisms of an ancient society that didn’t know better. I give my wife credit, we both came from non-affectionate families. We made a conscious effort to be overly affectionate to our nephews and niece, we started when #1 grandson was born, now 24.

In turn, they showered him with hugs for decades, they give the best hugs and they say “I love you” with ease. He showed his love back with “Red Envelopes” that grew larger when he saw signs of his mortality. He always looked forward to my weekly visits the last 6 years and never shied away from my hugs and kisses. Even during the many hospital visits, with his health failing, he would say, “it’s late, you should go home, you have work tomorrow.” Maybe, the timing was perfect and all the stars aligned, whatever it was, it was worth it because once #7 Lindsay was born he reciprocated that love onto my daughter. I knew that wall crumbled, he made me proud.

I will continue to hug my child, I will continue to kiss her. I want her to know I love her everyday.
I want my child to know there’s another way, not to stay quiet and still be respectful. Be selfless, work hard, be ambitious, be compassionate, be strong and honor thy family.
We will take the qualities that made him great without the prude chains that held him back.
I hope you stumbled onto my post and read with optimism and hope. If my story sounds familiar, more likely than not, you are in my shoes, past, present or future.

This post is not a slight on him, of course he loved his only son. He gave me everything I ever wanted, I could write a long list, this is not the point here, he was a great provider, no question. What we had at the end could have been a lifetime’s worth. I have a lot of very fond and loving memories. He even gave me the freedom to fail, but I wasn’t prepared to succeed. I love him dearly, a good man till the end, I know he left us still wanting more, perhaps another wall torn down.

The love and affection of a parent and child shouldn’t end when it gets to that awkward age, if it does and you wait too long, you will be yearning for it the rest of your life. This is how I made peace, rekindling the love and affection of my father.

If you are able, it’s never too late. When it’s your turn to say goodbye to your father, you will truly believe in your heart you made peace, “Rest in Peace Dad, I love you forever!”

For those wondering, yes, I hug and kiss my mom and tell her I love her as often as I can. She says it back to me. We have come a long way too, she is my rock, my Superwoman.

Life is fleeting, please hug and kiss your loved ones, it’s really that easy.